


Memories You Can't Erase

by bxrnes_rxgers



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Canon Divergence - Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Relationships, I wanted this to be a light fic but somehow it came out angsty ???, M/M, My First Fanfic, Past Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Русский | Russian
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-01-23
Packaged: 2018-05-14 17:56:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5752834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bxrnes_rxgers/pseuds/bxrnes_rxgers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve didn’t even hear the door open as he felt someone press against him. He smirked as he said, “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” </p><p>What he didn’t expect was for a raspy voice that sounded so familiar yet so different to respond. “It’s a gun.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this was just supposed to be a one shot to ease me into writing fics for this fandom but it kinda turned out to be more. Plus, it was supposed to be a light fic with little angst but that decided to go against me, too. Oh well. This is my first fic on here so please, go easy on me. I hope you enjoy!

Steve hasn’t seen Bucky in over seventy years.

He still thinks about him from time to time and how close they used to be before the fall. Steve tries to keep those memories bottled up, though. He keeps them in the deepest, darkest parts of his mind along with all his other memories of his childhood. Every time they're brought to the surface all he feels is guilt. Guilt that he couldn’t reach Bucky in time to save him. Guilt that he even put Bucky in a situation like that to begin with. Guilt that he basically killed his best friend and the love of his life.

He knows deep down that they both knew the risk and that they were willing to die for each other but Steve never thought it would become a reality. Something he would have to deal with for the rest of his life. 

So, he did what he had to do. The guilt was eating him alive that he couldn’t save one of the only people left that mattered to him. He crashed that plane, seemingly killing himself all the while saving New York. The only thing left to remind Steve of his childhood best friend. The only place that still had Bucky's mark; his presence. He couldn’t lose that too.

Steve thought of it as a way out that worked well for everyone. Everyone but Peggy. Steve really did love her although he knew her for such a short amount of time. He loved that they were close and she knew him better than almost everyone he worked with after the procedure. Everyone but Bucky. 

Steve thought that crashing that plane was a permanent end for him. It wasn’t his ideal solution because he knew he still had Peggy that would grow to love and care for him. That would help him adjust to life without Bucky. He was okay with that, he really was. Peggy was a fantastic woman. He didn’t want to leave her.

He never expected to wake up seventy years later. 

It’s been eleven months since he woke up and he’s been adjusting pretty well. He lives in the Avengers Tower and can’t complain. He grew up in the poorest conditions and living there was like a dream. There’s AC, heating, hot running water at all hours of the day, he has a whole floor to himself for Goodness sakes.

Currently he’s working on missions with the other Avengers. He’s been assigned a mission to search for this so-called ‘ghost’ several times before. Once he tried to kill Fury, twice, -the second time almost succeeding- he was now on the Avengers radar. 

Everything Natasha said about him seemed impossible. That was until Steve had a one-on-one run in with him after the second search for him. Steve chased him over rooftops and they finally made it on the ground into an alley. It looked pretty good for Steve as he had a perfect shot of the man running down the dark-lit narrow space. He threw his shield at him with full force and the masked-man just turned swiftly and caught it. With his metal hand. 

Steve was so caught off guard that the ghost had the chance to throw it right back at him throwing Steve to the end of the alley-way with the force of it, knocking the air out of his lungs, before disappearing. Steve was baffled. He hadn't had a fight like that one-on-one ever. It was... Intriguing.

That was two weeks ago and since then Steve hasn’t been sent on another search for him, yet. 

Although he loves the Tower, Steve also bought himself a house if he ever felt like he needed a break from all the heroics. Tony insisted he buy it for him though Steve refused profusely. He hated when people bought him expensive things that he could work to buy himself. Tony wasn’t letting up though, and ultimately Tony won with a smug smirk and, “Don’t worry, Cap, that house you want won’t even put a dent in a week’s paycheck for me.” Steve thanked him sincerely although he wasn’t very happy about it. 

Recently Steve’s been going out with this guy on his team that Natasha set him up with, Brock Rumlow. They’ve been on a few dates and it seems to be going well. Last weekend they even consummated their relationship and it was new for Steve as he hasn’t done anything in over seven decades. Rumlow joking that he was surprised it wasn’t Steve’s first time with a guy saying, “Wow, Cap. I never would’ve thought America’s most innocent superhero has fucked around before. Especially with a dude.” Laughing at Steve’s blush as he tries to repress the memories of him and Bucky. Doing everything to keep them warm on those cold nights with no heating, or body weight in Steve’s case, to help out. That was only ever an excuse for them though, they always knew it was something more than just keeping warm, they had blankets and cuddling for that. 

He’s just lucky Rumlow didn’t ask who it was with or he wouldn’t know what to say and it would probably ruin the moment. He probably just assumed that he wouldn’t know them anyway since it’s been so long. 

Now Steve was at home, alone. He was cooking dinner for himself in a pair of sweatpants. He was just at the Tower’s gym working out before he showered, dressed, and went home to enjoy a relaxing couple days at home. He didn’t have anything planned and he was grateful for that. He’s been working non-stop for the past couple weeks with the Avengers and he needed a break. He just wanted to stay in and enjoy his few short days of peace. 

He didn’t even hear the door open as he felt someone press against him. He smirked as he said, “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” 

What he expected was for it to be Rumlow –Steve is so used to calling him that from working alongside him- sneaking up on him. What he didn’t expect was for a raspy voice that sounded so familiar yet so different to respond. “It’s a gun.” 

Steve whips around as fast as he can. Already locking his eyes on where he left his shield. In the main hallway in front of the door, not more than five meters away. He sidesteps a punch aimed for his face before running over to said hallway and grabbing both his protection and his weapon and hooking it onto his right arm. 

Steve watches as the before mentioned gun is taken out of its secure holster on the man’s hip. Fury has since told Steve that he goes by the alias of The Winter Soldier. 

Steve finally gets a good look at him now. He is not wearing the same goggles as he was last time they fought but he is still wearing the muzzle-like mask on the bottom-half of his face, obscuring Steve from his identity. Steve decides then that this won’t be like last time. That he will catch him. The Winter Soldier shoots at Steve as he blocks his bullets with his shield. He comes closer to Steve and once he’s almost in front of him, not letting Steve retaliate because he just keeps shooting, he backs Steve up against the door. 

Steve gasps and he’s pushed roughly against it, almost breaking it down. The Winter Soldier grabs Steve by his neck with his metal fist, almost lifting him off the ground. Steve can feel his breathing become shallow before he can no longer get any oxygen in his lungs. His vision is tunneling as he looks into the painfully familiar eyes of The Winter Soldier. He can see stars before he sees darkness slowly taking over, Steve unable to close his eyes as he’s captured in the pools of blue in front of him, looking angry and- _bang._

A gun shot goes off, the only sign that The Winter Soldier feels it at all is the fact that he loosens his hold on Steve’s neck ever so slightly. Steve tries to turn his head but can’t because of the metal fist not allowing him to be mobile anymore. He thinks he might’ve crushed some bones. Before he knows it, Steve is being dropped as a flash of black and red swings down. Kicking the soldier to the ground. _How did Natasha know what was going on?_

Steve just keeps trying to breathe as The Winter Soldier gets back up and they start fighting, Natasha holding her own and doing better against The Soldier taking his pain and shock that she’s there as an advantage to her. “Это еще не конец.” Is the last thing Steve hears before the Soldier runs out the broken window, from where Natasha had come through in the first place. 

“Cap, you okay?” Natasha runs over to him once she trusts that The Winter Soldier is gone. 

Steve groans but still responds, “I should be fine in a few days.” He says, lightly touching his neck. The burning pain rushes to him as his adrenaline wears off. Steve doesn’t let it show how much it hurts. “How’d you know what was happening?”

“I think he broke your neck and might’ve damaged your airway.” Natasha says as she examines his neck and he can tell she’s avoiding the question. 

“Natasha.” He says sternly and she sighs. 

“Tony told me not to tell you this, but he put up some cameras around here.” She says and his eyes widen.

“He did _what_?” He rasps out. He would yell if his neck and throat weren’t killing him. 

“It was for your protection Steve, if anything were to happen. Like this for example.” She points out but Steve still isn’t happy. 

“And what? He just watches me at all times? That’s creepy and an invasion of my privacy. I want you to tell me where all the cameras are right now so I can take them out. I can’t believe he would do that. Can’t he just get me bullet-proof windows or reinforced locks like a normal billionaire? Not putting up cameras to spy on me.” He rants and Natasha sighs again. 

“It was for your own protection, Steve. I’ll tell you were they are once you’re all healed up and we catch this guy. I’m not letting him do this to you again. That was a close call Steve. If I were to have get here any later you would’ve been dead.” She lectures. “You need to be more careful. That man… Or whatever he is, is dangerous. His moves and defenses were definitely acquired from either the Red Room or someone who worked for it. He’s trained to take out anything and everything he’s told to. I think you’re now on that list, Steve. You saw what he did to Fury. I don’t want that to happen to you, too.” 

Steve sighed as Natasha helped him get up. “I know. Thank you, Nat. I don’t even know how he knew I was here or how he got in. Plus, didn’t you shoot him? He hardly seemed affected.” 

“I did. I shot him straight in his right arm, from what I've seen that's all flesh and bone, no coverage. He must be conditioned to block out pain or something because that kind of wound could make someone pass out after some time. Since he continued to choke you after the initial pain must've set in, that has to be the case.” She tells Steve, a confused and calculating expression on her face; obviously trying to make sense of the situation. He’s just lucky he didn’t start the stove for dinner yet because a fire on top of The Winter Soldier crushing his esophagus isn’t on the top of Steve’s list of favorite chain of events. 

Natasha walked Steve out of his house as they headed to the car parked out front. Clint was in the driver’s seat looking anxious. He turned to look at the pair and relief washed over his features. “Thank God! I saw the dude with the metal arm run out of there and I thought something terrible had happened. I almost ran in there myself.” Clint says.

“I’m glad I can trust you to keep your word of staying in the car then.” Natasha smiles.

“I know better than to piss you off.” He jokes, kissing her lightly on the lips. “You okay?” He asks and she nods.

“Steve not so much, The Winter Soldier did a number on him.” She says and Steve waves off their concern.

“Nothing I can’t heal from. I’ll get him next time. I swear on it.” Steve promises a bit shamefully. He never backs down from a fight though and if it's a fight the ghost wants, then he'll be getting a fight alright. Clint starts the ignition, heading towards the Avengers Tower. Steve sighs as he realizes his planned days of relaxation are now out of the question. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that was the first chapter. If there is any spelling or grammar mistakes I've missed, please let me know! By the way, what Bucky says in Russian before he leaves is "This isn't finished." Or directly, "It is not over." I'm not Russian and I don't know how reliable Google Translate is so if this or any future Russian I use is incorrect, please let me know. Thank you for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

Steve, Natasha, and Clint all get to the Tower with no problem, luckily. Who knows what The Winter Soldier was told to do to get rid of Steve? For all they knew he could’ve been told to kill Steve by whatever means possible even if that means getting badly injured or even almost-killed himself. It’s doubtful that they would waste a perfectly good weapon on just trying to kill Steve Rogers. Though it may be tempting. 

Clint drives through the parking garage once they get to the tower, Steve hearing all of the safety monitors checking the car to make sure they aren’t some random intruders. As they step out of the black vehicle, Tony runs up to them, looking pretty worried. “I saw what happened, are you guys okay?”

“Yeah, we’re fine. Thanks to your cameras. Which by the way, I want taken out.” Steve says as he tries not to move his neck. The pain has subsided mostly but he doesn’t want to risk moving it too much and injuring it even more; making for a slow recovery. “Oh, and my window is now smashed, so please fix that too.” Steve wasn’t in the best mood. He just almost passed out at the hands of The Winter Soldier and couldn’t do anything to protect himself. Natasha was right, if she didn’t get there when she did, Steve could’ve been dead. Or worse, taken by the Winter Soldier to whoever sent him to kill him. Which could be anyone; S.H.I.E.L.D had a lot of enemies. Fury and Natasha assume that it is some large organization hiding right under their noses. Steve didn’t even want to think about that.

“I’ll deal with it. In the mean-time, let’s get you checked out.” Tony says, walking with them to the elevator. They go up to the floor they use as some kind of a recovery/medical space. They’ve all been in there enough times to know their way around the whole floor. 

Bruce is waiting for them with a couple nurses as the four of them walk in. The nurses rush over to Steve and Natasha as soon as they see them. “I’m fine, thank you.” Natasha tells them as they try to look her over. “You should focus on the Captain though, he got pretty roughed up.” She whispers to the ladies as not to make Steve feel worse.

“Why aren’t any of you beautiful girls coming to look at me?” Clint smirks at the nurses and a couple of them actually giggle. Natasha smacks him upside the head.

“Probably because they already know that you were shitting your pants in the car.” She jokes with him and he looks scandalized. “Plus, your level of stupidity can’t be cured.”  
“I wasn’t- you told me to stay in the car!” He responds, decidedly ignoring the last comment as to not get into an argument about his intelligence. Natasha just laughs as she tells the nurses what happened to Steve. They probably have already seen the footage but first-hand viewing is more reputable so they listen closely to her. They start to examine Steve’s body to make sure no other physical or internal damage was done, staying cautious of his neck. 

“I guess you could say that every time you’ve seen him, he’s taken your breath away. Huh, Steve-o?” Tony laughs at his own joke and Clint cracks up a bit, too. Natasha just glares at them.

“This is serious you two. He could’ve gotten seriously hurt, both times.” She scolds and Tony’s still grinning.

“Aw, come on Natasha. Live a little.” Tony responds.

“You’ll be living a little less if you keep making jokes out of this man. He’s extremely dangerous, Tony. What don’t you understand?” She responds and Tony loses his laughter.

“I know. I’m just trying to make light of a bad situation. We’ll get him. Don’t worry. Fury had already set a mission for the next time he shows up. Hopefully, it’ll be once cap has recovered.” Tony says, no longer joking around. 

Natasha sighs as she thinks. “He’s more dangerous than he looks and if he was trained by anyone from the Red Room, we have to be on our game.” 

***

Steve recovers in less than two days. He was told to just relax and that he shouldn’t go back to his house until they are sure that he’s safe. He keeps telling them that he can take care of himself but they aren’t risking anything like that to happen again because Steve was too stubborn. They had to postpone the search for him for a later time as they had a new mission that night. 

Steve, Natasha, and Clint are going up to the roof where the helicopter pads are. Fury sent them on a mission to acquire knowledge as to what happened to a group of marine scientists that went missing. The helicopter will then take them into the middle of the sea where an unmarked cargo ship has been for the past forty-five minutes. Fury said that they were most likely taken by boat or ship as it is the most inconspicuous mode of transportation at night as the sea is almost black. Plus, there are no tracks that can be made. Making it the smartest method of transportation at the time and location. Fury trusted that the three Avengers and the STRIKE team could complete the mission successfully without killing anyone. 

So, that is why they are currently on the ship, looking for the missing scientists. Fury confirmed as they got there that this ship was the one stolen from the docks and that it holds important information being covered up by the government as a cargo ship. This classified information along with the scientists was to be sent to Europe. That was all the details Steve was allowed to have. 

Steve is currently fighting five guards as he tries to gain information as to where the scientists are. After getting nowhere with his questions, he throws them two of them over board and knocks the rest out without much difficulty. 

He suddenly feels a familiar presence behind him and he turns around, expecting Natasha. What he sees however, is the Winter Soldier. It’s dark outside and he can barely see his face at all, not only from the muzzle on his face. He seemed to have ditched the goggles again, his long hair obscuring his eyes instead. He runs at Steve, preparing to punch him square in the gut, left arm raised in a fist. Steve blocks it with his shield. Feeling the metal vibrate from force of impact and metal against metal. 

Steve hears the man growl as he pushes Steve backwards against the ledge. Steve not getting a grip on his footing and just sliding across the floor. He brings the shield back before slamming it forward into the Winter Soldier’s metal fist, forcing him back. Steve regains his footing and steps up closer to the man. “Who do you work for? Who are you?” Steve questions him. 

He just glares at Steve as he pulls out a knife. He swings for him and Steve blocks it with his shield. “They told me you weren’t more than your shield. I guess they were right.” He says in English. It’s like he’s calculating each word he uses, riling Steve up. It was so similar yet a world of difference. Steve couldn’t place where he’s heard it before or what’s so similar about it. For some reason, that snarky remark got to him more than he’d like to admit. 

So, he drops his shield where he stood and watched as the Winter Soldier prepared himself for the close-contact fight. Before Steve can run at him, the other man is doing so to him. He readies his knife to stab Steve in the chest before Steve blocks it and punches him in the jaw. He doesn’t even look winded as he just repositions himself in front of Steve again. He grazes Steve’s arm with the knife as they throw punches at each other. Both of them getting some in, the Winter Soldiers’ hits hurting far worse. Steve swipes his leg out, tripping the assassin. He just flips back up as he holds out his fists again, his right hand with the knife. He stares at Steve as they both ready themselves. Steve watching every one of his movements. His gaze travels down to the metal arm, examining it. Before he knows it, the Winter Soldier took Steve’s distraction as an advantage and stabs him in the shoulder. Steve falls, grabbing his shield and standing up again. The Winter Soldier looks at him with a hard gaze. Steve wasn’t giving up, he just knew that with that metal arm, Steve was no match for him without his shield. They continued their fight, the Winter Soldier throwing Steve down using his shield before smashing the ground hard with his fist. Right where Steve’s face just was. Steve rolls away before jumping back up. He slams into the metal arm with his shield, hoping it would short circuit or something that would give Steve the upper hand. The Winter Soldier is thrown off for a minute and Steve grabs his face, throwing him away from him. Steve hears the metal of the arm whirring to replace the plates back into their spots as the Winter Soldier is crouched on the ground, getting back up. 

The Winter Soldier stands back up and what Steve sees almost knocks the air out of his lungs itself. “Bucky?” He says, horrified.

“Who the hell is Bucky?” The man responds _–Bucky_ , no not Bucky, he just looks like Bucky… It can’t be, but it is? Next thing Steve knows and the Winter Sold- _Bucky_ , is falling to the ground. Steve runs over to him, half confused and terrified, and half new-found worry seeping into his features to see a tranquilizer dart in his neck. 

“I knew that would come in handy!” Rumlow walks over, all smug and happy that he got the Winter Soldier down. “You okay, Cap?” Rumlow says, keeping it professional. Steve is too shocked to speak. “Cap?” 

Steve doesn’t get a word in, not that he could’ve anyway, before helicopters are making their way towards them. A ladder is sent down and a stretcher to put the Winter Soldier on. Steve, though still shocked, helps Rumlow put him on the bed before climbing up the ladder himself. 

“Nice work men… and Romanov. We’re sending a paramedic helicopter to grab the scientists and make sure they are okay. In the meantime, let’s go.” Fury said once all the Avengers, STRIKE team, and the Winter Soldier (still passed out) board the flight. 

Steve’s takes a seat on one of the cramped benches in the middle of the plane that’s only so big. They moved the Winter Soldier ( _Bucky?_ ) to the back of the helicopter with three members of the STRIKE team watching over him in case the horse tranquilizer wears off and he’s more resilient than they thought. It’s been five minutes and so far so good. 

Natasha goes up to Steve, taking a spot next to him and giving him a contemplative look. “You okay, Cap? You looked pretty shell-shocked when you were hoisting the Winter Soldier up here. I saw him and noticed that he resembles a lot of a certain James Buchanan Barnes?”

“Bucky…” Steve says, not really looking at Natasha as he’s lost in his thoughts of the past. “He looked just like him. I knew those blue eyes were familiar. That voice… It was different but the same. I can’t wrap my head around it. It can’t be possible…”

“That’s what we thought when we found you as a capsicle; still alive. This isn’t the strangest thing that has ever happened.” She tries to comfort Steve, not letting him slip into denial, just in case the Winter Soldier actually is Bucky Barnes. “We’ll figure it out, Steve. Don’t worry.” 

***

By the time they get back to S.H.I.E.L.D headquarters, Steve is exhausted. He didn’t dare go into the back to see the Winter Soldier. Natasha sat beside him through the whole flight, a warm reassurance by his side. After their short-lived conversation, they sat in silence for the rest of the flight, Natasha understanding that Steve needed his time to think about the situation at hand. 

The STRIKE team was told to bring in the Soldier and Natasha was to show them where to go. They told Steve that they are putting him in a containment room. It has a large bordered space in there that allows them to see the Winter Soldier and interact with him if needed. 

Once Natasha gets back from brining the Soldier over, she goes looking for Steve again. Fury is already in the room with Tony. There are nurses looking over him while he’s unconscious and Tony is inspecting his arm for any trackers or suicide bombs. 

She finds Steve in the infirmary with a couple nurses looking over him. For once he doesn’t brush them off, telling them he’s fine. He looks lost in thought still, staring at a point in the floor; he doesn’t even seem to realize that there are people around him. 

“Steve.” Natasha gets his attention. He turns his head to her slowly. 

“Everything okay?” He asks, looking like he’s ready to jump to attention even though he’s exhausted as all Hell. 

“Everything’s fine, considering. Do you want to come and see him?” She asks carefully, unsure of what Steve’s answer would be. _Would he want the Winter Soldier to be Bucky Barnes? Does he want to know that his friend is alive? Or would he rather him die than have to go through what he surely has?_ Knowing Steve, he probably blames himself for what happened. 

“I don’t think I’m ready. Why? Is he awake?” Steve asks and Natasha shakes her head. 

“It’s okay, Steve. Take as much time as you need. In the meantime, you should get some rest. You look like you haven’t slept for seventy years and we both know that’s not true.” She says concerned, trying to lighten the mood. Steve actually nods his head in agreement before thanking the nurses and standing up, walking with Natasha out of the room. “Clint and I will give you a ride to the tower.” 

“Thank you, Natasha. For everything.” Steve says and she smiles at him, concern still lining her features. 

***

Steve gets to his floor and does his sleep routine sluggishly. He doesn’t get a wink of sleep that night. Thinking about Bucky and the Winter Soldier. That arm… It can’t be possible. It can’t be Bucky. But it looked so much like him. Those eyes, that face, his voice. Steve comes to terms with the fact that Bucky didn’t die when he fell off the train. No, something so much worse happened to him.

And if anyone notices the red rings or the dark circles around his eyes the next day, no one can blame him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fight scene between Steve and the Winter Soldier was supposed to sort of mirror Steve fighting Batroc in Cap 2 but it sort of diverged from canon because instead of the French dude it was the Winter Soldier and yeah... you read the rest. So, most of my chapters will have some form of canon mixed in with whatever my wild imagination comes up with at any given time. Anyway, thank you for reading and you can come follow me [here](http://bxrnes-rxgers.tumblr.com) on tumblr if you want some more marvel/stucky/other random things. (:

**Author's Note:**

> So, that was the first chapter. If there is any spelling or grammar mistakes I've missed, please let me know! By the way, what Bucky says in Russian before he leaves is "This isn't finished." Or directly, "It is not over." I'm not Russian and I don't know how reliable Google Translate is so if this or any future Russian I use is incorrect, please let me know. Thank you for reading!


End file.
